You Only Think You Know.

Well everythings all good with Kt and I now. She told me her side of the story and its completely different from what I was originally told. Its like people just want to ruin mine and her friendship. She was pretty much defending me in a way. People are ignorant and shouldnt fuck with me or my damn best friend if they know whats good for them.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I am pretty goddamn pissed off. So I heard from 3 people that my supposed to be "best friend" likes to talk shit about me in front of everyone. That is just fucking GREAT! Just what I needed. I have like only 2 fucking friends, and the one that Ive thought of the best one for the past 5 years has to go and do shit like that. I am so mad. Not even mad, like hurt and betrayed. And then I asked her about it and she said that she didnt think she was talking shit about me, but what everyones told me I definitely consider talking shit. And its not fucking cool. I am just so sick of people here. Like all I do for these people are listen to their problems that I couldnt give two shits about and clean up their messes. But now Im done, I really am. Im sick of giving giving giving, and people taking taking taking from me and not giving anything back. And Im not just making this up in my head. Kim sees it too. This friendship that Ive had with this girl has been pretty damn on sided for a long time. And now that this has happened Im just done. I dont need shitty people that are just going to bring me down in my life anymore. And honestly I think she'd be fine without me.

I dont know what to do.
I want to die.

Oh my god. I am going to be soo sore tomorrow! So Kim and I got snowed in last night. School was canceled thank god. So earlier we walked to the store and not even 10 minutes being gone, on the way home our footprints were already gone. Then later we tired to do some shoveling and then Kim's mom came and picked us up to buy us groceries and we were only gone about 20 minutes and all the shoveling we did was covered again in snow. Then Kim's step dad came over and plowed as much as he could of the driveway before he would hit Kim's car. So then Kim tried backing out of the driveway and then John her step-dad was like "stop stop stop" and he wanted to back it out. But then when he tried he got the car stuck. So Kim and I had to friggen push the car out. Eventually we finally pushed it out, but then it got stuck again at the bottom of the driveway. So we had to push it AGAIN! But now its finally out. I am so impressed and proud of myself. I never thought that little weak Alicia would be able to push out a damn car. But I am going to be so unbelievably sore tomorrow. I definitely pulled some shit in my arms.

Well I need to smoke a bowl, relax, and take a shower with my baby now.

God gamn. I am so fucked up. I can barley keep my eyes open. Its kinda sucks cuz Im at school. Well thats all.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

I hate her so much sometimes. The things she does and what she says makes me think less of her. Lately I haven't been thinking much of her. Things seem to be changing, and I feel like we're going to end up drifting away from each other. It sucks though. But she acts like such a scum bag sometimes. I don't know why anyone would do or say the things that she does. Like yeah I know she doesn't care what people think of her, but she should. Why do people suck so much these days?

Well anyways.. I dropped Math today. I was doing terribly so I figured Ill take a simpler one next semester.

Done. Kim needs the computer.

I hate that kim and i are so busy these days. I really miss her. Like yeah we live together but when we finally get to be together at like 8 at night, we both have homework and need to shower and clean and stuff its like 1 am or later so we barley even get to talk. idk it just really sucks. Thats all.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Yay today was a good day! I went to school.. Oh man I forgot I did have a panic attack while I was at school though. So I had this essay that I wrote last night but couldnt typr cuz I was too tired. So i figured Id just type it at school. I fucking walked around my entire school looking for an open computer but couldnt find one. I was freaking out cuz I had class at 11 and it was already 1030, but finally I found one and had to speed type it. Well anyway after school I went home and napped until Kim got out of school. Then we smoked a bowl and got some tabs. After that Kim dropped me off at my house and I chilled with my mom and sister. Thennn Kt came over and my mom dropped us off at Kims dads. We chilled and stuff. Ive only hung out with her once since school started. Then Kimmy came home and were all chillin. Soo I guess Im done cuz Im probably being rude.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

..So I didnt really get to finish my entry earlier because Sarah showed up and I didnt want to be rude and sit here typing. After Sarah left Kat asked if she could come over to match us on a bowl. And last minute before she was about to leave Rachel showed up at her house so she came along too. It was pretty fun. I havent seen/chilled with either one of them in a really long time. I missed Kat. ..I feel bad though...Ive been txting Nick and we keep telling each other that we miss each other and that we wanna hang out. but Ive been so busy with homework I havent really been able to chill with anyone. And then last minute today Kat asked to hang out. ..I knew I was gunna chill with Sarah though because Beatta was having a birthday party at Sarah and Nicks apartment and they are all mean to her and I knew she wouldnt want to be there.

Well I forgot what I wanted to write about earlier so Im done.

Well all that worrying that I was doing was for no reason. School has been great so far. Yeah I get alot of homework but I dont mind doing it really. I really do enjoy going to school. It makes it so much easier when that classes Im taking I like learning about. I am very glad though that I took a year off, it really helped. I feel like I matured alot and kind of have a different perspective on life. The only things that suck though is that I dont get to see Kim as much, but on the other hand when we do get to see each other at the end of the day we have so much more to talk about. I love her very much still and things are going great. On the 17th it was out 1 year and 3 month anniversary. So thats pretty cool. ..The other shitty thing is that I havent really been able to spend much time with my friends. I think Ive hung out with Kt only once, and Sarah 3 time.

Well thats all I have homework to do and Sarahs here.

I am so nervous!

So my poor poor mom. Shes in Washington D.C. with my little sister Aunt Anne and cousin Sam to look at colleges and last night they went to sleep, this morning they got up, got ready for the day and whatever, then they went outside to leave and guess what!?!? The Jeep Was STOLEN!!! My mom is probably freaking the fuck out right now. So my dads trying to get them a rental vehicle. But him and I were talking about maybe having to drive down there. I hope not. I dont feel like sitting in the car for 22 hours. But Im also not gunna let my dad drive that alone. But I dont think that were going to have to do it. I sure hope so atleast.

I broke my sweet lovely little Oz the other day. (My bowl) Haha I shed 2 tears. But my lovers gunna buy me a new one this weekend. Yay!

Umm Idk. Ew I did morphine last night and I can still taste it in my lungs when I breathe. Its sick. Im dont wanna do it anymore. It makes me get the hiccups and I hate those.

School starts in less than a week. =/

Ugh I do not wanna be here and I really would like to go home!

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Hah man I havent posted an entry, or even gone on LJ in sooo long! I dont even know what I last wrote about.

Sooo.. Idk. Not much is going on in my life these days. Still with Kim, its been a year and almost 2 months! Im really surprised we've been together this long. I never really thought Id be in a serious relationship like this.

Im trying to grow my hair out and it sucks. Like its almost too long to spike up and Im too lazy to do it like that cuz its so hard to do now. But its also not long enough really to wear down hah or even do anything with. It doesnt need to grow much more to look ok down but grrr. The bottom is was shorter than the top and it just looks stupid.

Schools starting in a little less than a month. Im kind of excited but at the same time I dont want to go back. Its really strange, lately whenever I hear stuff I remember it. Ive never been able to do that. Thats why I sucked in school so much. I hope I meet some sweet people there. Make some friends.

I dont chill with Nick or Thad or all them anymore. Nick wants to hang out with me but I kinda keep putting it off because I havent seen him in so long that Im afraid itll be awkward. But I do want to see him and maybe have things go back to the way they were. Just friendship though. They have all been shooting up and shit and I dont want any part of that. So Idk. Not chilling with them hasnt been too big of a loss (except Nick since we used to be bffs). It just sucks, I dont really have any friends now. But that hasnt been too bad of a thing. Like I still have Kt and Sarah. Idk. Sometimes I miss Holly alot. But if I chilled with her I wouldnt want it to be all weird and I think it might be. Just cuz when I hung out with Steve on my birthday I felt pretty awkward. And it sucks alot alot, he was my best friend. ..I feel like itll be like that with Holly too.

Well thats all I guess.

So lately i have been more depressed than i ever have been. I've been doing some bad things alot lately. Ok.. Its so stupid. Like i cant stop myself from doing things n i complain all the time to kim about how no one helps me.. Ever, n she knows how upset i am all the time cuz no one cares about me, n how i need someone to help me out n get me on track, but she doesn't even help me. She's an enabler just like the rest of them. She tells me she loves me.. Then why is she helping me kill myself? I've come to realize that in order for me to get better.. I need to help myself.. Im on my own.. But i dont care enough about myself. ..idk.. It clearly, i clearly dont matter.

So not only do i have the best girlfriend in the world, i have the best friend that i could ever possibly ask for. The only one that truely cares and loves me for me. Idk. Everything else is fucked up. I really feel like just dying.. And i might. Idk whatev.

I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.
I love Kim.

I am really truly in love with this girl..
And NO ONE can fuck it up.

I am happy for the first time.
And I know its going to last.

=]

i want to die.

Well I am done with Felicia.
Because Kim asked me out.
And I said yes.
And honestly I think Im the happiest Ive been in a while.
=]

So my party was ok.
Woo.
Ill update later.

So theres 2 days of school left. =]
Im pretty positive that Im graduating. Hah.
But if I dont, that sucks. Im dropping out then.
Whatev.

Felicia and I. We kissed. Twice. Oh mannnnn. heh. But the other day she ditched Kat and I and went and hung out with Matt. Idk. Shes got alot going on with liking people. But she made it seem like she really wants things with me to work out. But whos to say shes not like that with everyone she likes. So I ended things with Ron. And I decided that I wasnt gunna hook up with other people. I thought maybe itd get serious. But seriously, its Felicia. So I realized that we might hook up a few times, if we date itll only last til she fucks me over. Which probably wouldnt be long after. I really like her though. But I feel like its pointless. Like Im waiting for her to fuck me over. Which is stupid. Right? Right! So I honestly dont fucking know what to do. Should I end things before I get too attached? Like Id already be sad ending things now....imagine how sad Ill be if I continue things. I dont enjoy getting hurt. Im so confused. =[

The End.

Well I really like Felicia.
Like alot.
And Im happy.
=]

Its My Birthday!

So I havent been updating at all these days.
And Im bored.
So why not.

Hmmm....prom was Friday. I said yes to everyone that asked me. Which was dumb. And then I realized I didnt even want to go. So I decided I wasnt going to go, but Kt wanted to and then she asked me. So I said yes to her. I told everyone else that asked me that I was just gunna go with her. It really wasnt too bad. It was kinda lame but I suppose I had fun. After prom Kt and I went to her house dranmk and then went bowling with Matt. That was ok.

Ron and I. Im not sure whats really going on there. Nothing is pretty much. Like when we hang out we like dont talk alot and we just pretty much cuddle. And its kinda lame because like we dont kiss or anything throughout the day, until when one of us leaves and then we do. I cant tell how much I actually like him. And I dont know how much he likes me. I dont want him to like me too much because I dont think that I want a relationship. But like, Im not hooking up with anyone besides him, but I want to be able to if there was someone else I liked, but without him getting mad. And I dont know if hed be mad. Idk. Maybe I should talk to him about these things. Oh and its super lame that I only get to see him on weekends cuz he works for his dad so hes out at his dads all week. Maybe Id lik ehim more if I got to see him alot.

I think I might like someone. But I hope I dont. Its stupid. Hah. Idk if I actually like this person. I think I kinda just want to hook up with them, cuz I feel comfortable around them. And I never feel comfortable enough to do things with anyone ever! And I want to get over this no sexual activity thing that I have going on. I mean 5 years...it weird. So I think what I need to do is like hook up with someone that I can just hook up with thats a friend and I wouldnt feel weird around afterwards. But I dont have anyone but one person that I could do that with, and I highly doubt that this person would be down with this. Haha so Idk.

Ummm.....not much is really going on.

Well Im done.

I miss him already.
And its only been 12 hours.
But Im not gunna see him for 2 weeks.
This sucks.

So last year there was this insanely HUGE spider on my porch and nick and i torchured it. we lit it on fire threw things at all, all sorts of shit. and it never died. when it got colder it just kinda dissappeared. today i went out on my porch and its BACK!
I swear to god its the same spider.
Back and bigger than ever.
I refuse to go on my porch.
Its gunna kill me!!!!
Scurrred dude!