You Only Think You Know.

Its time to make a change.

I think I feel worse about everything in my life right now than I ever have before. I am dealing with so much right now all at once and it is crushing me. All the emotions I feel right now I can not handle because not even one of them is positive. Ive been blocking out so much and its all coming out now and i dont know what to do. I am so lost right now.

Im so miserable. I feel like I have no one. Kts moving five hours away, my little sister is moving to Washington, and Jess is possibly/probably moving to San Fransico. I know I have Kim, but when I have no one else, it almost doesnt matter.

Am I really that hard to understand?

Felicia is such a stupid stupid bitch! I am completely over ever trying to hang out with her or for that matter even try to be her friend. She is NOT the same person she used to be at all. At all! It fucking sucks. Sometimes I feel like if I didnt choose to date Kim instead of Felicia maybe things wouldnt be like this and she wouldnt lie to me all day long and continuousley ditch me. But then I realize that if I had chosen Felicia, I would have missed out on so much anwesomeness with honestly, the love of my life! But seriously I cant even fathom that there is a person as low as she is, how anyone could possibly be that aweful of a friend.
Today Felicia, Kim, and I had plans to go to the Art Fest with Kim. Then Nick wanted me to meet up with him there and Kt texted and asked if she could come with. So my main concern was hanging out with Felicia because I have tried soo many goddamn times to hang out with this stupid girl I honestly feel too pathetic for words. So She, Felicia texted me at 2a.m. the night before telling me to wake her up in the morning to tell her what time I wanted to go. So I called and called and called left a voicmail, texted, and called again. I decided enough was enough so Kim and I were about to leave to pick Kt up and just go and Felicia texted me and told me that she needed a little while to get ready. Many texts messages happened for 3 hours and then felicia turned her phone off. Bullshit right?! Then Kim, Kt, and I went to the Art Fest, didnt even find Nick so hes probably pissed at me and thinks I ditched him, but its Fes fault. After on our way home Fe txted and lied and said she tried calling me and all this bs and said shed hang out once we got home. Kim and I had to do some shit real fast, it took about an hour and a hlaf all together, then we told Fe she could come over. ..I sat around waiting and getting lied to for 8 hours! How pathetic am I. Then Kat came over and we talked mad shit about this dumb broad. Apparently Felicia did the exact same thing, literally, Art Fest and all, to Kat yesterday. What is her problem? Why would you just lie and lie and stand someone up that the day before you told that you missed so much and were so glad to be friends with? I honestly do not understand. Am I missing something or is this person clearly a lying retard. But whatever.. as stupid as I feel, pathetic, and just let down Im going to just get over it. It isnt worth is. She isnt worth it. Finally FINALLY I get it and I am just d-o-n-e done! I am never going to spend another day, hour, minute, or second, being wasted on someone that isnt even close to worth it.

Just needed to vent. Thank you LiveJournal!

God Ive been so depressed lately. My life is so shitty and boring. Having only one friend really sucks. And what sucks even more is that shes leaving and then Ill have no one. Well thats not exactly true Ill still have Kim. I feel bad saying this but shes just not enough. I need friends too. But Im so fucking shy and too depressed to even leave the house that theres no way I can make friends. It sucks and I am the most pathetic person Ive ever met.

Kim and I adopted the sweetest kitty-cat ever. His name is Onyx. It was Madison but we didnt like it and it was just the name that the shelter gave him. At first he was a lttle scared when we brought him home, he checked out the house a bit and then hid under the couch. Finally when he came out and got used to us he just chilled on the couch with us. Then when we went to be he laid with us and cuddled. Hes so cute.

Wow so my uncle is the biggest douche bag alivie! Recently my dad put sthis thing up on Facebook saying that Kim and I should have the same rights as him and my mom. Then my uncle commented it and was like "Alicias a lesbo" Then I commented his comment and said that I am a lesbian and hes a dick. Then today he facebook chatted me and was lik "HEY LESBO" That was the final straw, I flipped out. I was like "Fuck off! Just because your wife left you for another woman doesnt mean you should hate on all lesbians" Then he signed off like a bitch before I could say "But of course you will, because youre a close minded bigot" Ugh he is! I am so pissed. 1 uncle down. He is not in MY life anymore!

God I keep fucking up. I skipped school again. Damn it. I skipped Wednesday too. But its so hard for me to get up and go when Kim is sleeping like a baby next to me. I hate that her not being in school effects my shit. But I also hate school. Its so boring and stupid and I really dont give a shit about anything Im learning anymore. I dont know what my problem is. I hate it. I wish that i liked school. Ugh. Im probably going to do so bad this semester. Im kind of freaking out about it. I dont even know how many days Ive missed. I already dropped one class, and I want to drop another on but Im afraid then my insurance will find out and if that happens then I wont be on my meds and everything. But I havent gone to the class in like a week and a half. So my teacher is probably going to drop anyway so I should just withdraw because itll look a little better. I dont know what to do. Im feel like Im going to have a stomach ulcer because of all this stress.

Friends are weird. Especially the ones that you are very close to. Its like you know them so well that you are afraid to tell them how you really feel. Idk

I hate my life alot these day. Sarah keeps making the stupidest choices ever so I dont really want to hang out with her and listen to her bitch about the same shit. Kim, Sarahs family, and I tried to have an intervention for her.. it didnt work of course. She is too selfish to better her situation for her own goddamn kid. And when CPS comes to take that baby away, she better not come crying to me. Ive done everything I possibly could do for her and she refuses my help so Im over it.

My other best friend is too busy pretty much to hang out with me. I understand that she has school and work and shit, but I read her updates all the time and somehow she finds time to hang out with all these other people. Which of course makes me feel just wonderful. Idk whatever.

I hate users.

I hate all these pathetic opiate addicts too. Like all of my old friends are always on and off of h. Its gross. They probably all have hep c. I love how they all say they arent going to get addicted... but look at them now. I mean I did it too, but Im clean now, 100% and Im going to make sure I stay this way. I do not want to be one of them. And if that means loosing all my friends, bc theyre too busy getting fucked up, then so be it. It pretty much has already happened. Im just so sick of watching all my friends ruin their lives.

Idk whatever.

So far this semester I like school/my classes. Im taking elementary Algebra I (cuz I suck), Abmornal Psychology, Developmental Psychology, and American Gov't I. I was taking some Composition and Interpretation of Literature class, but I didnt like it so I dropped it. I also dropped it because I felt like my work load would be too big.

Yup. Thats all for now.

So now that schools starting in less that a week I dont want to go back at all. I knew that this would happen though. Its always does, when Im bored on break for a while I want to go back, but then right before Im supposed to I dont want to go at all. It sucks. I wish I didnt hate school so much.

Sarahs birthday was today. ..Well technically it was yesterday. We went over to her apartment. At first I reeeally didnt want to go because Kim and I were like tired and blah all day. But then when we got there and after Rhonda left it was alright. Sarah, Kim, and I went into Sarah and Nicks room to hang out. We chilled with Conrad too of course. I like him. Hes so cute and little. And his little finger nails and toes and fingers and bright blue eyes. Hes just so adorable.

I think Im PMS-ing. I never know when I get my period. It always comes at a different time. But I think that Ive been moddier that normal. And Im craving all sorts or junk food. But that could also be because of the suboxone and not being on opiates.

Well Im gunna go check my facebook and go to bed.

Im ready to go back to school. But Im really not, like Im just bored, but I know that the second I walk through those doors Ill want to be home. But at least I have a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule. Well actually I thought that having a 3 day week would be awesome, but now that I think about it Im going to have to lug around 5 classes worth of books. Its probably going to be awful. There are lockers but I have no idea how to get one.

Kim and I are clean now. And its awesome. We were spending $150 a day.. yeah A DAY on ocs or tabs, or whatever opiate of the day we could find. It was insane. But now that Im clean I feel like Im thinking a lot clearer. I will never go back to that. We're both on suboxone now to fight the craving. Its very helpful.

Well Ill write more later.

I hate everything. Since I have no friends Im going to spend New Years with my girlfriend alone, like we do every other goddamn day of the fucking year. Fun.

Peace Out.

Well everythings all good with Kt and I now. She told me her side of the story and its completely different from what I was originally told. Its like people just want to ruin mine and her friendship. She was pretty much defending me in a way. People are ignorant and shouldnt fuck with me or my damn best friend if they know whats good for them.

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I am pretty goddamn pissed off. So I heard from 3 people that my supposed to be "best friend" likes to talk shit about me in front of everyone. That is just fucking GREAT! Just what I needed. I have like only 2 fucking friends, and the one that Ive thought of the best one for the past 5 years has to go and do shit like that. I am so mad. Not even mad, like hurt and betrayed. And then I asked her about it and she said that she didnt think she was talking shit about me, but what everyones told me I definitely consider talking shit. And its not fucking cool. I am just so sick of people here. Like all I do for these people are listen to their problems that I couldnt give two shits about and clean up their messes. But now Im done, I really am. Im sick of giving giving giving, and people taking taking taking from me and not giving anything back. And Im not just making this up in my head. Kim sees it too. This friendship that Ive had with this girl has been pretty damn on sided for a long time. And now that this has happened Im just done. I dont need shitty people that are just going to bring me down in my life anymore. And honestly I think she'd be fine without me.

I dont know what to do.
I want to die.

Oh my god. I am going to be soo sore tomorrow! So Kim and I got snowed in last night. School was canceled thank god. So earlier we walked to the store and not even 10 minutes being gone, on the way home our footprints were already gone. Then later we tired to do some shoveling and then Kim's mom came and picked us up to buy us groceries and we were only gone about 20 minutes and all the shoveling we did was covered again in snow. Then Kim's step dad came over and plowed as much as he could of the driveway before he would hit Kim's car. So then Kim tried backing out of the driveway and then John her step-dad was like "stop stop stop" and he wanted to back it out. But then when he tried he got the car stuck. So Kim and I had to friggen push the car out. Eventually we finally pushed it out, but then it got stuck again at the bottom of the driveway. So we had to push it AGAIN! But now its finally out. I am so impressed and proud of myself. I never thought that little weak Alicia would be able to push out a damn car. But I am going to be so unbelievably sore tomorrow. I definitely pulled some shit in my arms.

Well I need to smoke a bowl, relax, and take a shower with my baby now.

God gamn. I am so fucked up. I can barley keep my eyes open. Its kinda sucks cuz Im at school. Well thats all.

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I hate her so much sometimes. The things she does and what she says makes me think less of her. Lately I haven't been thinking much of her. Things seem to be changing, and I feel like we're going to end up drifting away from each other. It sucks though. But she acts like such a scum bag sometimes. I don't know why anyone would do or say the things that she does. Like yeah I know she doesn't care what people think of her, but she should. Why do people suck so much these days?

Well anyways.. I dropped Math today. I was doing terribly so I figured Ill take a simpler one next semester.

Done. Kim needs the computer.

I hate that kim and i are so busy these days. I really miss her. Like yeah we live together but when we finally get to be together at like 8 at night, we both have homework and need to shower and clean and stuff its like 1 am or later so we barley even get to talk. idk it just really sucks. Thats all.

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Yay today was a good day! I went to school.. Oh man I forgot I did have a panic attack while I was at school though. So I had this essay that I wrote last night but couldnt typr cuz I was too tired. So i figured Id just type it at school. I fucking walked around my entire school looking for an open computer but couldnt find one. I was freaking out cuz I had class at 11 and it was already 1030, but finally I found one and had to speed type it. Well anyway after school I went home and napped until Kim got out of school. Then we smoked a bowl and got some tabs. After that Kim dropped me off at my house and I chilled with my mom and sister. Thennn Kt came over and my mom dropped us off at Kims dads. We chilled and stuff. Ive only hung out with her once since school started. Then Kimmy came home and were all chillin. Soo I guess Im done cuz Im probably being rude.

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..So I didnt really get to finish my entry earlier because Sarah showed up and I didnt want to be rude and sit here typing. After Sarah left Kat asked if she could come over to match us on a bowl. And last minute before she was about to leave Rachel showed up at her house so she came along too. It was pretty fun. I havent seen/chilled with either one of them in a really long time. I missed Kat. ..I feel bad though...Ive been txting Nick and we keep telling each other that we miss each other and that we wanna hang out. but Ive been so busy with homework I havent really been able to chill with anyone. And then last minute today Kat asked to hang out. ..I knew I was gunna chill with Sarah though because Beatta was having a birthday party at Sarah and Nicks apartment and they are all mean to her and I knew she wouldnt want to be there.

Well I forgot what I wanted to write about earlier so Im done.

Well all that worrying that I was doing was for no reason. School has been great so far. Yeah I get alot of homework but I dont mind doing it really. I really do enjoy going to school. It makes it so much easier when that classes Im taking I like learning about. I am very glad though that I took a year off, it really helped. I feel like I matured alot and kind of have a different perspective on life. The only things that suck though is that I dont get to see Kim as much, but on the other hand when we do get to see each other at the end of the day we have so much more to talk about. I love her very much still and things are going great. On the 17th it was out 1 year and 3 month anniversary. So thats pretty cool. ..The other shitty thing is that I havent really been able to spend much time with my friends. I think Ive hung out with Kt only once, and Sarah 3 time.

Well thats all I have homework to do and Sarahs here.

I am so nervous!

So my poor poor mom. Shes in Washington D.C. with my little sister Aunt Anne and cousin Sam to look at colleges and last night they went to sleep, this morning they got up, got ready for the day and whatever, then they went outside to leave and guess what!?!? The Jeep Was STOLEN!!! My mom is probably freaking the fuck out right now. So my dads trying to get them a rental vehicle. But him and I were talking about maybe having to drive down there. I hope not. I dont feel like sitting in the car for 22 hours. But Im also not gunna let my dad drive that alone. But I dont think that were going to have to do it. I sure hope so atleast.

I broke my sweet lovely little Oz the other day. (My bowl) Haha I shed 2 tears. But my lovers gunna buy me a new one this weekend. Yay!

Umm Idk. Ew I did morphine last night and I can still taste it in my lungs when I breathe. Its sick. Im dont wanna do it anymore. It makes me get the hiccups and I hate those.

School starts in less than a week. =/